Life

Sometimes life can be so hard and things that once were clear can become so clouded... How can one person have so much confusion in their lives? . I do have hard luck; don’t know why some people are just like that I guess. I don’t cry and complain and I am an owner of my actions (which can be unfortunate at times) but that is life.
Some times it is hard to move on and let go of past hurts and trials. They say that you should take everything as a learning experience but some times I would rather pretend that they never happened (lol).
So back to change, people change from one day to the next; you go to bed as one person and wake up as another every day. That is because every day we become wiser or maybe dumber who knows? My daughter told me yesterday that the things I do affect them and she was upset with me. I thought to myself "Wow, in trying to give my children security I have made them afraid of change". No matter what I have tried to teach them it has either taken a negative affect or has gone right over their heads. Life is hard and I have tried to prepare them for that. I have caring and compassionate kids they just don’t show that towards any one that lives in their home or that they feel will "threaten" their environment. It is crazy, my oldest is very difficult everyone says it’s the teenage years but I can look at her and see that it is more than that. I look at her and I see sadness even when she is smiling. I wonder to myself what can I do to make her happy? I buy her things and spoil her but I know that is not going to make her happy even though it does for all of 10 minutes (lol). I love her deeply and those that know me well know that I have been through alot with her since the day she was born. Maybe she blames me for all of the things that have happened to her? I don’t know? All I know is that I love her and cherish her and I only want the best for her, for all of my kids. Growing up is hard, I know cause I am still doing it but I wish she could let go of what ever it is that she is holding on to and be happy.
My life growing up was hard and I don’t blame my mom or hold any of what happenened against her. Sometimes we have to go through things to become the people that we were meant to be. Things have never been easy for me and I have always tried to move forward, never backwards. I see myself as this tree that just keeps growing. Some people, things have grown with me and others? Well let’s just say that they have fallen off or just stayed behind as the lower branches of my tree. That doesn’t make them any less significant it just means that they weren’t ready to "grow" with me. The ones that "fell" off were never meant to be a part of me anyway.
I have sheltered my kids and everything that I do every day is for them, from furthering my education to getting up and coming to work every single day, its all for them. Those of us who have had difficult childhoods often have that "I want for my kids to have more or what I never had" mentality. I am guilty of this and some things I have managed to do and to be honest allot have backfired on me. My kids don’t know what struggles are, they don’t know what it is like to do without, and therefore they have nothing to be grateful for. I have had times that I have went without so that they could have. I have spent what I shouldn’t have to please them and try to make them happy. Now I am trying to teach them that happiness does not come from material things but from the every day things that can bring you joy, family, friends and the world around you. Hard, but we will get there.
I wonder why this girl who I have struggled for all of her life has no faith in my choices. Has no encouragement for me none of the trust that she could have for me? I want for her to be a strong woman and not to depend on anyone but have I showed her that?
What I have come to know is this; we all have people that come into our lives for a reason. Be that reason to give to us or to take from us. Everyone that has or will ever touch your life has a purpose there. Some people can’t let go of you as much as you may want them to, so you have to let go of them. I have been afraid of change and held on to things I should have let go, things that may have made me less of a woman in the eyes of others. I have learned to take chances and even if they don’t go my way to take that in stride. I shouldn’t be afraid of change. Now the hard part is to convince those around me that they shouldn’t either...